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When Will Jesus Bring The Porkchops?

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When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? Quotes by George Carlin

Find and share inspirational quotes with your friends.What Time Will Jesus Arrive with the Pork Chops?by George Carlin et al 599 reviews and 12,197 ratings for a 3.80 average rating.When Is Jesus Coming to Deliver the Pork Chops?

  1. Quotes 1-30 out of 47 displayed.
  2. ″Here’s everything you need to know about men and women: women are insane, and men are stupid.″ And the most important reason why women are insane is because men are stupid.″ When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
  3. – George Carlin, ″When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?″ ‘I believe that the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are overly simplistic.
  4. They need to be more vivid in their descriptions.

Here’s an example of one I’d recommend: ″If you drink too much, you’ll turn into the same asshole your father was.″ If you ask people, ″When will Jesus bring the pork chops?″ they will say, ″They just can’t seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure.″ Ever.There is only a brief respite before the next ″horrifying″ event takes its place.Some people forget that there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound ″heals,″ a permanent scar is left that never completely disappears, but only gradually fades away.In the aftermath of one of these so-called tragedies, the most important thing to say is, ″″Allow the scarring to commence.″ I’m not a person who believes they can have it all, but I do believe that with a little effort and guile, I should be able to have more than my fair share.

″I’m not a person who believes they can have it all, but I do believe that with a little effort and guile, I should be able to have more than my fair share.″ In the words of George Carlin, ″When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?″ ″Hard work is a misleading concept.Physical exertion and long hours are not considered to be hard work.When someone pays you to do something you’d rather not be doing, this is referred to as hard work.

whenever you would prefer to be doing something else than what you are currently doing ″You’re putting in long hours.″ When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?- George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?″Political correctness is America’s newest form of intolerance, and it is particularly pernicious because it masquerades as tolerance.″ (Source) It presents itself as fairness while simultaneously attempting to restrict and control people’s communication through the use of strict codes and rigid rules.I’m not convinced that this is the best strategy for combating discrimination.Silencing people or forcing them to change their speech is not the most effective method of dealing with problems that go much deeper than their speech,″ I believe.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?- George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?″The most frustrating thing about e-mail is that you are unable to interrupt the other person.″ You must read the entire document and then send them an e-mail in response, pointing out all of their errors and erroneous assumptions.It’s a frustrating and time-consuming experience.″May phone calls be blessed.″ When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

– George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?″Are you a bitter loser?″ Yes, you can bet your fucking ass on it!Was there anything wrong with being a bitter loser in the first place?It demonstrates that you were interested in whatever the contest was about in the first place.

To hell with accepting defeat graciously—for that’s chumps.By the way, there are losers.″ ″To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God.″ — George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?Probably for a long time to come.

At the very least, there have been countless taped and filmed sightings of UFOs from all over the world, as well as documented radar evidence observed by experiencedmilitary and civilian radar operators.>>″ When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?- George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?“ What exactly is the ″free world″ in the first place?I suppose it would depend on your definition of what constitutes the non-free world.Neither of which I can clearly define.Can you help me out with this?

What is the location of this?Russia?China?For crying out loud, Russia has a more effective Mafia than we do, and China is pirating Lion King DVDs and selling dildos on the Internet.They appear to be fairly uninhibited.Here are a few more jingoistic versions to keep an eye out for: ″the greatest nation on Earth; the greatest nation in the history of the planet″; and ″the most powerful nation on the face of the Earth,″ to name a few examples.

Last one is usually thrown in right before we bomb a group of black people.That is, once every two years or so.″ ″When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?″ asks comedian George Carlin.When it comes to attempting to prevent people from smoking, my sign would be a little different from the one seen above.Perhaps I will even move too far in the other way from where I am now.My sign might state something along the lines of, ″If you want to smoke, go ahead.

You should, however, be prepared for the following set of events if you do so: The first step is for us to seize your cigarette and extinguish it someplace on the surface of your skin.Our next step will be to put your nicotine-stained fingers through a paper shredder and dump them on the street, where wild canines will eat them and then regurgitate them into the sewers, where diseased rats will further pollute them before they’re pushed out to sea with the rest of the city’s filth.After that, we will go out of our way to find your friends and loved ones and destroy their life in a systematic manner.

″Don’t you wish to see a sign like that?″ you might wonder.When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?- George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?″Females give birth to life; males put it to an end.″ War, crime, and violence are mainly male-dominated industries.Man, you’re a jerk.Nature has pulled the ultimate trick on us.

  • Men start out as the nice thing and end up as the bad thing while still in the womb.
  • Not all of them, though.
  • That’s all there is to it.
  • ″It’s just enough to muck everything up.″ When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
  • – George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
  • ″And out we go, out into the highway in search of a little entertainment.
  • Perhaps a flatbed truck laden with human cadavers will detonate in front of a Star Trek reunion crowd of thousands.
  • ″One can only dream and hope,″ says the author.
  • When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
  • – George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

″The concept of ‘homemade’ is a fiction.Do you wish to know about some goods that are manufactured from scratch?Methamphetamine crystals.Crack cocaine is a kind of cocaine that is very addictive.

A nail-filled pipe bomb was detonated.″Now we’re getting down to business.″ When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?- George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?The fact that too many individuals are messing things up, committing crimes, and then moving on with their life, I believe, is one of the issues in our country.″Ritual suicide″ is what is actually needed for public leaders who are ashamed of their actions.″ When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

– George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?In case I run into Joey and he decides to beat the living daylights out of me, I’m going to need my make-up.″ I have to look my best!It’s possible that he’ll punch me in the kidneys and stomach several times to avoid leaving a mark on my face.″He’s very attentive!″ I exclaim.

  • When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
  • – George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
  • ″If you were to get oneself cloned, who exactly would be your parents?″ says the author.
  • Are you able to raise yourself?
  • I suppose that’s the case.

And it could even be entertaining.Consider the fact that you would be driving yourself to school by the age of six.″ When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?- George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?The Bureau of What the Fuck Was That?″If I had been in charge of restructuring the government’s security agencies into a homeland defense organization, I would have split their tasks into two organizations: the Bureau of What The Fuck Was That?and the Bureau of Homeland Security.″ Additionally, there is a department called ″What the Fuck Are We Gonna Do Now?″ When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

  1. – George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
  2. “Hello.
  3. We are the ones that have complete power over your lives.
  4. We are the ones who make the decisions that have an impact on all of you.
  • Isn’t it fascinating to think that individuals in charge of your lives would have the audacity to inform you of their actions in this manner?
  • You stupid will have to suffer.
  • We’re aware of what you do and where you go at all times.
  1. In your opinion, what purpose do the cameras serve?
  2. And what about the global positioning satellites (GPS)?
  3. The Social Security numbers, what about them?
  4. You are a member of our family.
  5. And it is not possible to modify it.
  1. Nothing will change whether you sign petitions, picket lines, bring your lawsuits, cast your ballots, and send those idiotic letters to anyone you like; you will achieve nothing by doing so.
  2. Because we have complete power over your life.
  3. And we have something special in store for you.
  4. Go back to your bed.
  5. THEY” ″Most individuals have very little influence over the kind of day they’re going to have,″ says George Carlin in When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

As an example, when one person says, ″Have a great day,″ the other person could be thinking, ″I’ve just been diagnosed with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, and I’m also coughing up thick black gunk.″ It is likely that the well-wishers’ remarks would fall on deaf ears in this situation.In the words of George Carlin, When Is Jesus Coming to Deliver the Pork Chops?Thank you for returning.For the moment, please wait while we sign you in to YourGoodreading Account.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? – Wikipedia

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

Front Cover
Author George Carlin
Language English
Genre Humor
Publisher Hyperion
Publication date October 12, 2004
Media type HardcoverPaperbackAudiobook
Pages 300
ISBN 978-1-4013-0134-7
OCLC 56611832
Dewey Decimal 792.23 22
LC Class PN6165.C36 2004
Preceded by Napalm and Silly Putty 
Followed by Three Times Carlin: An Orgy of George 

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?(2004) is George Carlin’s penultimate book, and it was published in 2004.He came up with the term since it offends all three main religions, which is why he came up with it (Christianity, Judaism, and Islam).At first, Wal-Mart refused to sell the book because the cover, which depicts Da Vinci’s The Last Supper, portrayed Carlin seated next to the vacant seat of Jesus, was considered offensive.

  1. In all, Carlin has written four books, with the most recent being Napalm & Silly Putty (2001), Brain Droppings (1997), and Sometimes a Little Brain Damage Can Help (1998).
  2. (1984).
  3. It was followed by the publishing of his ″sortabiography″ Last Words, which was published posthumously in 2009.
  4. The majority of this book is written in the same style as Carlin’s other works, yet there are some significant thematic changes between them.

Generally speaking, the tone of the book is darker and more critical than his earlier works, particularly in terms of his view on politics and society.In addition, a significant portion of the book is devoted to euphemisms, both as they are used in advertising and as they are employed in politically acceptable language.The book also includes a significant amount of Carlin’s standup material from throughout his career, including bits from his most recent concerts as well as many of his very earliest appearances on stage.When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

was also available as an audiobook, which was narrated by Carlin and released at the same time as the book.

External links

  • George Carlin’s Official Website

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? by George Carlin – Books on Google Play

  • When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? follows on the heals of George Carlin’s1 New York Times bestselling novel Napalm & Silly Putty and is packed with Carlin’s characteristic irreverent comedy and incisive cultural insights. We’re back at it again. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?, a funny book by George Carlin, presents his cutting-edge ideas and observational comedy on everything from evasive euphemism language to politicians to the media to dead people, among other subjects. Nothing and no one is secure in this world! Despite the present atmosphere of political correctness, Carlin is not hesitant to tackle contentious issues such as these: Carlin’s comments to the media: Business, politics, advertising, public relations, and show business are all represented in equal measure in the media. This is a good mix. There’s enough bull in Texas to start a network of branch offices, and
  • On the struggle of the sexes, Carlin says: Here’s everything you need to know about men and women: women are insane, and men are stupid, period. And the most important reason why women are insane is because men are stupid
  • Concerning hygiene, Carlin asks, ″When did they enact a legislation requiring the folks who cook my sandwich to wear gloves?″ This is something I’m not comfortable with. There should be no glove residue on my meal
  • this is unsanitary. Who knows where these gloves have been hiding all these time?
  • Carlin’s take on evasive language is as follows: To give you an idea of how far the use of euphemisms in language has progressed, some psychologists are now referring to persons who are physically unattractive as having ″severe appearance deficiencies.″ Greetings, Doctor. This is what you call denial
  • Carlin’s thoughts on politics: It is unthinkable for any self-respecting politician to acknowledge to having a job in the government. They like to conceive of themselves as ″serving the nation,″ rather than as individuals. You might want to image the activities that take place on a stud farm in order to better understand the service they bring to the country.
See also:  What A Friend We Have In Jesus By Aretha Franklin

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?is the follow-up to George Carlin’s1 New York Times bestselling novel Napalm & Silly Putty, and it is brimming with Carlin’s characteristic irreverent comedy and cutting social commentary.Once again, we find ourselves in the same situation.What George Carlin’s entertaining When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

  1. has to say about everything from evasive euphemism language to politicians to the media to dead people, he gives his cutting-edge insights and observational humor on the subject.
  2. The truth is that nothing and no one is secure!
  3. Contrary to the contemporary world of political correctness, Carlin is not hesitant to address contentious issues: The following is Carlin’s statement to the press: Business, politics, advertising, public relations, and show business are all represented in equal measure in the media landscape.
  4. The mix is attractive.

Texans have enough bull to start a network of branch offices;
Regarding the war of the sexes, Carlin stated that, The following is the only thing you need to know about men and women: women are insane, and men are stupid!In addition, one of the primary reasons women go insane is because males are dumb.Concerning hygiene, Carlin asks, ″When did they establish a rule stating that the individuals who cook my sandwich must wear gloves?″ Honestly, this doesn’t sit well with me.There should be no glove residue on my meal; it is not hygienic.

We don’t know what happened to these gloves.When it comes to evasive language, Carlin says it best: If it’s not clear enough how far the use of euphemisms in language has progressed, consider this: some psychologists now refer to persons who are physically attractive as having ″severe appearance deficiencies,″ a term that was once reserved for those who were physically attractive.Dr.

X, please come over here!″Denial″ is a strong word.On politics, Carlin says: There is no politician worth his or her salt who would ever acknowledge to having a job in the government.″Serving the nation″ is what they want to think of themselves as.You might want to think about what goes on on a stud farm to have a better sense of the service they bring to the country.

When will Jesus bring the pork chops?: Carlin, George: Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming: Internet Archive

The year 2004 marked the publication of this book.Topics American sarcasm and hilarity Hyperion Collection, New York, is the publisher.Internet Archive Books, China, in library, print disabled, in library The Internet Archive is the organization that is digitizing.Internet Archive is a contributor to this project.

  1. English is the language of instruction.
  2. With sarcastic humor, the author provides his views and comments on the foibles and idiocies of modern life, tackling issues such as the media, gender roles, cleanliness, deceptive language, and politics.
  3. The author also includes a list of recommended reading.
  4. Access-restricted-item is true in this case.

Date modified: 2011-09-27 16:21:43 Bookplateleaf 0003 Boxid IA152601 Boxid 2 CH101601 Bookplateleaf 0003 Boxid IA152601 Boxid 2 CH101601 Bookplateleaf 0003 Boxid IA152601 Boxid 2 CH101601 Canon EOS 5D Mark II camera in the city of New York Containerid 2 X0001 Containerid 2 X0001 Friend of the San Francisco Public Library Edition 1st paperback edition Donor Friends of the San Francisco Public Library Edition urn:oclc:record:1036905874 is an external identifier for this record.Foldoutcount 0 Total number of catalog records MARCXML

plus-circleAdd Review comment Reviews

The year 2004 marked the year of publication.Topics The wit and comedy of the United States The Hyperion Collection is based in New York.internetarchivebooks, china, inlibrary, print disabled, print handicapped The Internet Archive is the sponsor for digitizing.Internet Archive is a contributor.

  1. English is the language of instruction and instruction is provided in the form of a standardized standardized standardized standardized This book is a compilation of caustic comedy in which the author shares his views of and comments on modern life’s faults and follies, including issues such as media coverage, gender roles, hygiene practices, deceptive language, and politics.
  2. true if the object has access restrictions 2011-09-27 16:21:43 (added on September 27, 2011).
  3. Page from bookplateleaf 0003 Boxid IA152601 Boxid 2 CH101601 Page from bookplateleaf 0003 Boxid IA152601 Page from bookplateleaf CH101601 Page from bookplateleaf 0003 Boxid IA152601 Page from bookplateleaf 0003 Camera Canon EOS 5D Mark II City New York State of the art A container identifier of type 2 (X0001) is used to identify the container.
  4. 1st pbk.

ed., donated by the Friends of the San Francisco Public Library urn:oclc:record:1036905874 is the external identifier.Foldoutcount 0 Total number of records in the catalog.MARCXML

Amazon.com: When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?: 8601234610496: Carlin, George: Books

There was a problem filtering reviews right now. Please try again later.

On October 1, 2020, a review was published in the United States of America.If you enjoy Carlin, you’ll enjoy this show as well.In order to prepare for his HBO specials, Carlin kept detailed notes on his random ideas over the years, which he would then read over and over again, condense, expand, reorganize, stew over, circle back, reaffirm, repurpose, add, subtract, and distill into what would become his best material, suitable for his standup routines.The material here is an interesting blend of original material (it opens with the seminal ″Modern Man″), ideas that would be developed later for his final performance in ″It’s Bad For Ya,″ and tangents that would not work for a one-hour HBO special, but are perfect for a stream-of-consciousness dive into his dark, perverse and brilliant mind.

  1. I highly recommend purchasing both the audio recording, in which George narrates himself, and the print copy, so that you can go back and analyze the greatest ideas and subjects he was likely building up for his intended Broadway performance, which was thwarted by his death a few years later.
  2. On October 29, 2020, a review was published in the United States of America.
  3. Let it be known that George Carlin was one of my favorite comedians of all time and one of the few standup artists I ever loved, despite the fact that I prefer improv comedy over traditional standup.
  4. To summarize, I would give George Carlin 5 stars when it comes to his presentations, but he does not come across the same way when he writes books.

This is one of the few occasions where the program outperforms the book, which is the reason for the lower rating of three stars.Anyway, I hope this is of assistance, and I would recommend that you purchase or watch one of his presentations instead.On April 19, 2013, a review was published in the United States.Purchase that has been verified In certain sections of this book, I was completely absorbed, but in others, I found it to be tedious.

His witty sense of humour and sharp intellect are always apparent.And his sense of humour and view on life are right on the surface of things.In my opinion, though, there was something about George Carlin’s delivery of his material in person that made it more powerful for me than the printed word could have been.

He was adamant about it and ″in your face.″ You couldn’t possible misinterpret or pretend that you didn’t see all of the layers of the universe beneath his knowledge because you couldn’t possibly be wrong.His command of language and understanding of literature are truly remarkable (and that does show through in the book almost as well as in person).When he performs on stage, he assumes the persona of ″everyman.″ In the book, I felt like he was putting in too much effort.Unfortunately, it did not work as well for me.He might come across as a little strained and strident at times.

When he was performing, this was never the case.On March 27, 2021, a review will be conducted in the United States.Purchase that has been verified Overall, it wasn’t quite as good as I had imagined.The majority of the show is a retread of his standup routine.His standup books, including this one as well as Napalm and Silly Putty, appear to be compilations of his notes and ideas for standup that have been edited and then slapped together in book form.

On June 9, 2006, a review was conducted in the United States.Purchase that has been verified I feel compelled to begin by stating that I have completed the whole novel.It appears that a large number of individuals believe it is OK to leave a review after only reading the first 20 pages, flipping through it at a bookstore, or simply looking at the cover.There should be some sort of rule.

All of Carlin’s works have been excellent reads, and I’ve been a fan since ″7 Words.″ Although this is not Carlin’s funniest book, it is nonetheless a great work of comedy.He is abrasive, nasty, and sophomoric because that is what he does, and sometimes it is exactly what you need in your life.His being furious and complaining relieves me of the responsibility.

Reading Carlin is like taking a tranquilizer that is taken via the eyes, at least for me.Sometimes his insights and rantings are really brilliant, and other times what he has to say is about as profound as my 8-year-observations.old’s The use of profanity, strong ideas that may differ from your own, or the rantings of an upset guy will annoy you.If you are easily offended by these things, then this book is not for you.According to earlier reviews, some people who identify as Christians were upset by this book, which appears to be the case.Carlin is not ″challenging Christian values and beliefs,″ as one critic put it; rather, he is just poking fun of your religious convictions.

That’s exactly what he does, and it’s exactly what he’s always done.Expecting anything different isn’t a reasonable expectation.In the event that you are a Christian and realize that Freedom of Religion also implies Freedom FROM Religion, you will not be offended by the contents of this publication.Also advised is that we should not purchase this book since it is only the ″rantings of a drug addict,″ which we believe is incorrect.Please do not purchase this book, and you should also discard all of your Hemmingway, Fitzgerald, Poe, O’Henry and King, as well as any other authors such as Sinclair Lewis, Jack London, Dylan Thomas, and Stephen Crane who agree with you.You wouldn’t want to be seen as a hypocrite, would you?

If you truly grasp the nature of addiction, you’ll realize that the book you choose doesn’t make a difference in terms of its effectiveness.On September 10, 2008, a review was conducted in the United States.Purchase that has been verified We aren’t going to get into whether George Carlin’s comedy was insulting because, if you’re buying his book, you already know what kind of humor you’re getting.″When Will Jesus Bring the Porkchops?″ is a topic that is plainly Carlin’s cup of tea, but it suffers as a result of being published in print.Most of his prior work (e.g., ″Napalm and Silly Putty″) does not have the same feel to it, but this time around you get the impression that he more or less dictated portions of his stage acts into a tape recorder, which was afterwards transcribed by someone else.

Purchasing the audio edition of this book, or having a vivid enough imagination to ″hear″ the book in your mind’s ear, is something I believe will enhance your enjoyment of this book significantly.On October 8, 2011, a review was published in the United States, and the purchase was verified.Despite the title, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops meets up to its expectations in terms of being humorous, ludicrous, and surprising at moments.

Unlike his other books, Carlin’s latest is a little darker than his previous ones, and it also tackles a lot of topics about language and how we misuse it.Again, the subject matter of the book is completely random, but if you are familiar with Carlin, you may anticipate some of the things he would criticize.For starters, the title makes mockery of three different religions.If you’re tired of reading heavy novels about war or shallow, meaningless novels produced by authors who are solely interested in selling their names, give George Carlin a chance.On September 16, 2021, a review was published in the United States of America.I had no idea how anti-religious George Carlin was until now.

  • He is no longer alive; I’m curious as to which direction he ascended to.

Top reviews from other countries

5.0 stars out of 5 for this product I really adore it!On November 7, 2019, a reviewer in the United Kingdom expressed satisfaction with their purchase.Arrived on time and with only a few scuffs on it, which was acceptable considering it was advertised as ″worn and in good shape.″ There are no complaints.It was a fantastic deal!

  1. I’d been seeking for something for what seemed like an eternity, and now I’ve finally found it.
  2. I couldn’t be happier with this purchase, which brings my collection of George’s works to a close.
  3. The delivery arrived on schedule and was not overly packed.
  4. If you are a fan of George Carlin, as I am, then this is a must-have and one that I would strongly recommend to you.

REMEMBER.So strive to be content with whatever you have as a result of the situation, method, or circumstance.I really adore it and will use this firm for future projects.THANK YOU FOR YOUR EXCELLENT SERVICE!

See also:  What Was Jesus Last Words On The Cross

5.0 stars out of 5 for this product Review It was reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 13, 2020 and it was verified.Although it is enjoyable to read, it is even more enjoyable to hear him read it since his delivery is great.He makes excellent observations that are amusing, particularly in the use of words – and particularly in the use of words by politicians; in the United Kingdom, political leaders frequently begin their responses with’so’ or ‘look’ – George Carlin would have observed that when these words were used, you were being spoken down to – a good read by an intelligent and amusing man – a good read by an intelligent and amusing man 4.0 stars out of 5 for this product Eventually, I burst out laughing like a dervish while exhibiting our kid and myself up on it.

On October 15, 2017, a reviewer in the United Kingdom expressed satisfaction with their purchase.Hilarious.The wife picked it up while on vacation, assuming it would be out of her league.End up giggling like a lunatic while showing our kid and me around on the beach.5.0 stars out of 5 for this product re-read the book On March 16, 2018, a reviewer in the United Kingdom stated that they had made a verified purchase.

3.0 stars out of 5 for this product Three out of five stars Verified Purchase on May 5, 2015 in the United Kingdom

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (ebook), G. Carlin

  • When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? follows on the heals of George Carlin’s1 New York Times bestselling novel Napalm & Silly Putty and is packed with Carlin’s characteristic irreverent comedy and incisive cultural insights. We’re back at it again. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?, a funny book by George Carlin, presents his cutting-edge ideas and observational comedy on everything from evasive euphemism language to politicians to the media to dead people, among other subjects. Nothing and no one is secure in this world! Despite the present atmosphere of political correctness, Carlin is not hesitant to tackle contentious issues such as these: Carlin’s comments to the media: Business, politics, advertising, public relations, and show business are all represented in equal measure in the media. This is a good mix. There’s enough bull in Texas to start a network of branch offices, and
  • On the struggle of the sexes, Carlin says: Here’s everything you need to know about men and women: women are insane, and men are stupid, period. And the most important reason why women are insane is because men are stupid
  • Concerning hygiene, Carlin asks, ″When did they enact a legislation requiring the folks who cook my sandwich to wear gloves?″ This is something I’m not comfortable with. There should be no glove residue on my meal
  • this is unsanitary. Who knows where these gloves have been hiding all these time?
  • Carlin’s take on evasive language is as follows: To give you an idea of how far the use of euphemisms in language has progressed, some psychologists are now referring to persons who are physically unattractive as having ″severe appearance deficiencies.″ Greetings, Doctor. This is what you call denial
  • Carlin’s thoughts on politics: It is unthinkable for any self-respecting politician to acknowledge to having a job in the government. They like to conceive of themselves as ″serving the nation,″ rather than as individuals. You might want to image the activities that take place on a stud farm in order to better understand the service they bring to the country.

Carlin, the comic for the thinking person who wields words as weapons, gives voice to subjects that are now capturing the public’s mind.For example, what is the significance of the Ten Commandments?Is it true that UFOs exist?What will life be like in the actual world in the future?

  1. This brand-new anthology addresses all of these issues and more.
  2. In When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?, the author asks when Jesus will bring the pork chops.
  3. In his razor-sharp remarks, Carlin demolishes common ideals and leaves you laughing aloud—exactly what his many admirers have been waiting for.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

  • When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? is the follow-up to George Carlin’s1 New York Times bestselling novel Napalm & Silly Putty, and it is brimming with Carlin’s characteristic irreverent comedy and scathing cultural insights. We’re back at it again. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?, a funny book by George Carlin, presents his cutting-edge ideas and observational comedy on everything from evasive euphemism language to politicians to the media to dead people, among other subjects. Nothing and no one is secure in this world! Despite the present atmosphere of political correctness, Carlin is not hesitant to tackle contentious issues such as these: Carlin’s comments to the media: Business, politics, advertising, public relations, and show business are all represented in equal measure in the media. This is a good mix. There’s enough bull in Texas to start a network of branch offices, and
  • On the struggle of the sexes, Carlin says: Here’s everything you need to know about men and women: women are insane, and men are stupid, period. And the most important reason why women are insane is because men are stupid
  • Concerning hygiene, Carlin asks, ″When did they enact a legislation requiring the folks who cook my sandwich to wear gloves?″ This is something I’m not comfortable with. There should be no glove residue on my meal
  • this is unsanitary. Who knows where these gloves have been hiding all these time?
  • Carlin’s take on evasive language is as follows: To give you an idea of how far the use of euphemisms in language has progressed, some psychologists are now referring to persons who are physically unattractive as having ″severe appearance deficiencies.″ Greetings, Doctor. This is what you call denial
  • Carlin’s thoughts on politics: It is unthinkable for any self-respecting politician to acknowledge to having a job in the government. They like to conceive of themselves as ″serving the nation,″ rather than as individuals. You might want to image the activities that take place on a stud farm in order to better understand the service they bring to the country.

Carlin, the comic for the thinking person who wields words as weapons, gives voice to subjects that are now capturing the public’s mind.For example, what is the significance of the Ten Commandments?Is it true that UFOs exist?What will life be like in the actual world in the future?

  1. This brand-new anthology addresses all of these issues and more.
  2. In When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?, the author asks when Jesus will bring the pork chops.
  3. With his razor-sharp insights, Carlin demolishes ordinary ideals and leaves you laughing out loud–exactly what his many admirers have been waiting for.
  4. Keep up with the latest news from Hachette Books.

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Synopsys Now in paperback, the New York Times bestseller that takes readers on a riotous journey through the mind of one of America’s premier comicsGeorge Carlin’s legendary irreverence and iconoclasm are on full display in When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? as he vainly scours the American landscape for signs of intelligence in his third national bestseller. Ranging from his absurdist side (Message from a Cockroach; TV News: The Death of Humpty Dumpty; Tips for Serial Killers) to his unerring ear for American speech (Politician Talk; Societal Clichés; Euphemisms: 13 sections) to his unsparing views on America and its values (War, God, Stuff Like That; Zero Tolerance; Tired of the Handi-crap), Carlin delivers everything that his fans expect, and then adds a few surprises. Carlin on the battle of the sexes: Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. George Carlin, author of three bestsellers, has released 18 comedy albums; appeared in 11 feature films; written and performed 12 HBO comedy specials; and received four Grammy awards, six Cable Ace awards, and been nominated for four Emmys. In 2000, he was honored for Lifetime Achievement by the American Comedy Awards. He lives in Nevada and keeps an eye on things.

Publishers Weekly

There’s no better way to enjoy one of Carlin’s books than to hear him read it himself. With his gravelly voice, Carlin sounds like a foul-mouthed, grumpy grandfather as he riffs on everything from politics and the improper use of language to plane-boarding etiquette and the differences between the sexes. He’s alternately crude (Every evening at seven-thirty, citizens and consumers get a chance to sound off and air their complaints. Don’t miss Blow It Out Your Ass!.) and outrageously funny (such as when he compares people of faith to UFO believers), and he’s always irreverent (A children’s museum sounds like a good idea, but I would imagine it’s not very easy to breathe inside the little glass cases). The one topic that gets under his skin is euphemisms and, related to that, political correctness: I can remember when I was young that poor people lived in slums. Not anymore. These days, the economically disadvantaged occupy substandard housing in the inner cities. It’s so much nicer for them. Needless to say, Carlin has his comic timing down pat. His energetic reading is punctuated by conversational bits (Hah? Whaddya think? Maybe?) and enhanced by his deft vocal variation (such as when he’s narrating the Continuing Story of Mary & Joseph), making listeners will feel as if they’ve got a front-row seat at one of his comedy shows. Simultaneous release with the Hyperion hardcover (Forecasts, Sept. 20). (Oct.) Copyright 2004 Reed Business Information.
Overview Now in paperback, the New York Times bestseller that takes readers on a riotous journey through the mind of one of America’s premier comicsGeorge Carlin’s legendary irreverence and iconoclasm are on full display in When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops as he vainly scours the American landscape for signs of intelligence in his third national bestseller. Ranging from his absurdist side (Message from a Cockroach; TV News: The Death of Humpty Dumpty; Tips for Serial Killers) to his unerring ear for American speech (Politician Talk; Societal Clichs; Euphemisms: 13 sections) to his unsparing views on America and its values (War, God, Stuff Like That; Zero Tolerance; Tired of the Handi-crap), Carlin delivers everything that his fans expect, and then adds a few surprises.Carlin on the battle of the sexes:Here’s all you have to know about men and women:Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. Dimensions Height: 9 Inches, Length: 6 Inches, Weight: 0.69666074792 Pounds, Width: 0.8 Inches Title When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?

Read an Excerpt

WHEN WILL JESUS BRING THE PORK CHOPS?

By GEORGE CARLIN

HYPERION

Comedy Concepts, Inc. reserves all rights to the copyright for the year 2004. The ISBN for this book is 1-4013-0134-7.

Chapter One

A MAN OF THE MODERN ERA I’m a twenty-first-century man who is digitally connected and smoke-free; a man of the millennium.I am a diverse, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructivist who is also politically incorrect, anatomically inaccurate, and environmentally incorrect.I’ve been uplinked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, and I’ve been uplinked and downloaded again.I understand the advantages of reducing and the disadvantages of upgrading.

  1. I’m a high-tech low-life with a bad attitude.
  2. It takes me less than a millisecond to offer you a gigabyte of data since I am a cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bicoastal multi-tasker.
  3. I’m new-wave, but I’m also old-school, and my inner kid has an outward-bound attitude toward the world.
  4. Customers that are hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted, and bio-degradable will find me to be a welcome addition to their business.

I communicate with my database, which is located in cyberspace; as a result, I am interactive, energetic, and, on sometimes, radioactive, depending on the situation.Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging the bullet, and pushing the envelope are all terms used to describe being behind the eight ball.I’m on target, on task, on message, and I’m not on any narcotics anymore.I have no desire for coke or speed, and I have no desire to overindulge and cleanse myself.

I’m at the moment, on the verge of something great, yet I’m staying under the radar.A medium-range ballistic missile with a high-concept, low-profile design.A street-savvy smart bomb, to be precise.

A bottom-feeder with a top-gun.I wear power ties, tell power lies, take power naps, and do victory laps to demonstrate my dominance.I’m a nonstop, big-footed, slam-dunk rainmaker who takes a proactive approach to raising awareness.A rageaholic at work, a functioning rageaholic at work: fresh out of treatment and still in denial.Personally, I’ve hired a private trainer, an in-home shopping assistant, and an organizer to help me with my personal schedule.

You won’t be able to silence me, and you won’t be able to dumb me down because I’m relentless and mobile.I’m an alpha-male taking beta-blockers, and I’m in good shape.A non-believer, an overachiever, and a laid-back and fashion-forward individual, I am myself.Straightforward and down-home; low-rent yet high-maintenance.Metric-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, quick-acting, oven-ready, and made to last, I am all you could want.

As a hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case; prematurely post-traumatic; and with a love kid who sends me hate-mail, I am a difficult individual to be around.My emotions are strong; I’m caring; I’m healing; I’m expressing.A primary-care provider who is helpful, bonding, and nurturing.My production has decreased, but my revenue has increased.

I take a short position on the long bond, and the revenue stream that I generate generates its own money.I read junk mail, I consume junk food, I invest in garbage bonds, and I enjoy watching trash sports on television.I’m a gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly, lactose-intolerant, and user-friendly product.

My favorite kind of sex is harsh sex, and I enjoy severe love.In my e-mail, I use the f-word a lot.The software on my hard disk, meanwhile, is hard-core, with no soft porn.A microwave oven was purchased in a mini-mall.I purchased a minivan from a big-box retailer.I consume fast food in the middle of the highway.

I’m toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear, and I’m available in a variety of colors and sizes.A medical miracle that is completely equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically confirmed, and scientifically created is presented here.The ingredients in this product have already been washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, and vacuum-packed before they reach you.And.I have a limitless amount of bandwidth available to me.Despite the fact that I’m a gruff person, I’m the real deal.

This is a lean and mean operation.When I’m cocked and locked, I’m ready to rock; when I’m rough and tough, it’s hard to bluff: I take it leisurely, I go with the flow; when I ride with the tide, I have glide in my stride.Moving and drivin’, sailing and spinnin’; jivin’ and groovin’, wailin’ and winnin’; drivin’ and movin’, sailing and spinnin’ I don’t snooze, so I don’t have to worry about losing.I keep my foot firmly on the gas pedal and my tires firmly planted on the road.Lunchtime is a critical time for me since I’ve been partying hard.

There’s no doubt about it: I’m hanging in there, and I’m hanging tough.It’s time to go.EUPHEMISMS: It’s a Completely Different Language There are numerous instances of euphemistic language in everyday American life that occur in a range of settings.

Not all euphemisms are the same, yet they all have one thing in common: they are all euphemisms.They obfuscate rather than increase meaning; they cast a shadow over the truth.They do, however, exist for a variety of reasons.Sometimes they simply substitute a term that makes people feel uneasy with another.For example, the phrases ″white meat,″ ″black meat,″ and ″drumstick″ came into usage because people in Victorian times were uncomfortable with the idea of referring to specific human parts.Uncle Herbert’s words, ″Never mind the thighs, Margaret, let me have one of those wonderful, juicy breasts,″ were not something anyone at the dinner table was looking forward to hearing.

  • It would’ve made them feel uncomfortable in any case.
  • The belly was renamed stomach at the same time, for the same reason.
  • Even stomach, however, sounded too intimate, so they began referring to it as tummy.
  • It’s actually a little depressing.
  • When I was nine years old, I became aware of the existence of euphemisms.
  • When I mentioned to my mother and aunt Lil that Lil had a mole on her face, they all looked at me like I had three heads.
  • My mother was quick to point out that Lil didn’t have a mole, but rather a beauty mark, which she called ″a mole.″ That perplexed me because, based on Lil’s appearance, the beauty mark didn’t appear to be functioning.
  • My confusion increased when I noticed that my uncle John had a brown mark on his face as well, which was clearly not a beauty mark.
  • As a result, on that particular day, I discovered that what appeared to be moles on some people were actually beauty marks.
  • Then it was discovered that they were the same people whose laugh lines looked eerily similar to crow’s feet in appearance.

By the way, the whole beauty-mark scare was such a success that some women began routinely using eyebrow pencils to apply fake beauty marks—a ″fake mole″ being something no self-respecting woman would ever consider doing to themselves.Something about Elizabeth Taylor turning to Joan Crawford and saying, ″Lend me your eyebrow pencil, Joanie, I’m going to put a fake mole on my face″ just doesn’t seem right to me.It was only a few years after the Aunt Lil incident that I found solace in the fact that some people seemed to think my unsightly pimples were nothing more than minor skin blemishes, which was a relief.Another function of euphemisms is to simply put a better face on things, to dress up existing phrases that are perceived as being too negative by the public.

It was decided that nonprofit would be renamed to not-for-profit because nonprofit sounded too much like someone who didn’t know what they were doing.By designating a project as not-for-profit, it is clear that there was never any intention of making a profit in the first place.However, some of the words that are euphemized aren’t even remotely negative; rather, they’re merely considered to be too commonplace.As a result, many things that were previously offered for free are now offered at a discounted rate.The phrase ″Are the newspapers complimentary?″ is more dignified than the phrase ″Are the newspapers complimentary?″ when asking the hotel clerk if the newspapers are free.

Because of this, some hotels provide their guests with complimentary continental breakfasts, while others provide their customers with complimentary doughnuts.If you’re one who would enjoy a closer look at euphemisms, you’ll find a number of sections in the book that will interest you.I broke the euphemisms into segments, because they play such a large and varied role in American speech.And I call it The New Language, because it’s certainly new to me; I know I didn’t grow up with it.

  • And that’s my larger point: that it’s gotten worse over time.
  • There were probably a few early signs I noticed, but I knew the problem was getting serious when I began to hear ordinary people refer to ideas as concepts.
  • More to come.
  • STIFF UPPER LIP, YOU KNOW Imagine two different commercial airliners taking long, fatal plunges directly into the ground from high altitudes.
  • One is a British Airways plane filled with staid English diplomats and upper-class landed gentry.

The other plane is Alitalia, filled with uneducated Sicilian, Greek and Turkish peasants.As the two planes dive toward certain destruction, which one do you think will have the louder screaming and the more colorful praying, cursing and blasphemy?You get one guess.Hint: It isn’t the British plane.Eye Blaster: Get One Now Are your eyes dry and itchy?It’s possible you may have dry, itchy eyes.

  1. Don’t take a chance.
  2. Call now for Eye Blaster, a special, self-powered unit that blasts hot, refreshing steam directly into the eyes to relieve symptoms fast.
  3. Just plug in the Eye Blaster and wait forty-five minutes for full heat and steam pressure to build up.
  4. Then blast the scalding hot steam directly into your eyes for thirty to forty minutes.
  • Submerge your head immediately in ice water for fifteen minutes, then repeat the steam treatment.
  • Repeat these steps seven times and then take a breather.
  • Do not use more than fifteen times in one twenty-four-hour period.
  1. Children under five should not use Eye Blaster unsupervised.
  2. When using on pets, tie pet to a chair before blasting.
  3. Safe for old people.
  4. Doctor approved, but not eye doctors.
  5. Call now.
  1. HAND ME MY PURSE Boxing is an activity in which each of two men, by delivering a series of repeated, sharp blows to the head, attempts to render the other senseless, leaving him lying on the floor, unable to act rationally, defend himself or even stand up.
  2. If one of the two men is knocked down and beaten into an only partially blank and helpless mental state, the other is made to stand aside and the contest is halted momentarily, while the damaged man regains just enough strength to stand up and have the beating continue-to the point where he is again lying on the floor, this time completely immobile and functionless.
  3. Afterward, the two men embrace in a display of good sportsmanship.
  4. REMEMBER YOUR UNCLE JOHN?
  5. Hi Billy.

I’m Uncle John.I came up to say goodnight.You remember your Uncle John, don’t you?You remember the time I took you down to the beach and we set the hot dog stand on fire and three people died?

Wasn’t that fun?Remember runnin’ away from the police?And how we hid in the sewer and Uncle John got poo-poo all over him?And he wiped it on your coat?

You remember?And then I took you to the bar and got drank and vomited on the jukebox?And sparks started flyin’ out of the jukebox and a fire started?And all the people were screamin’?Remember that?Remember the screamin’?

And the ambulances?Wasn’t that fun?And do you remember that other time?The time I took you to the circus?

The lion got loose and ate a monkey?Wasn’t that fun?And they had to kill the lion?And the monkeys got real sad, so they had to kill the monkeys, too?

Wasn’t that fun?And then the man fell off the trapeze and smashed into the ground, and they had to kill him?And all the other trapeze people got real sad and they had to kill them too?Hah?Wasn’t that fun?

  • Why are you cryin’, Billy?
  • Please don’t cry.
  • If you stop cryin’, I’ll take you to the rodeo.

Wouldn’t that be fun?Maybe someone will get trampled, or gored.They’ve got horsies and cows, too, you know.Maybe they’ll have to murder a horsie.Or a cow.And if they slaughter a cow, maybe we’ll get to eat him in a hamburger.

  • Wouldn’t that be fun?
  • Please don’t shed any tears.
  • Do you remember the day you were thrown out of my car?
  • Remember when you were looking out the window and we had to dash around the corner to avoid hitting that lady?

Do you remember that?And you went flying out the window and slammed on the pole with your head?Was it necessary for the doctor to put your skull back together with a large needle?

Billy, I’ve acquired a boat of my own.Do you want to come out on my boat with me?I swear I’ll be extra cautious.Have you fallen asleep yet?

Billy?Please, don’t cry any more.COUNT THE NUMBER OF SUPERFLUOUS REDUNDANT PLEONASTIC TAUTOLOGIES IN THE WORLD.Greetings, fellow citizens of the United States.It is my intention to communicate to you as co-equals, understanding that you are deserving of the whole truth.I should tell you up front that the topic of my presentation deals with a significant problem that was triggered by an occurrence in my past: the execution-style death of a security guard on the back of a delivery truck.

  1. At that specific point in time, I was suffering from a severe despair and making blunders in my reasoning that appeared to be jeopardizing my future ambitions.
  2. I’m not exaggerating when I say this.
  3. I was in desperate need of a fresh start, so I decided to make a social visit to a close acquaintance with whom I share same goals and who happens to be one of the most interesting people I have ever encountered.
  4. The final outcome came as a complete surprise to everyone.
  5. In response to my repeated insistence that I needed a fresh start, she agreed that I was correct, and she went on to provide a final solution that was completely wonderful.
  6. Based on her previous experience, she believed that we needed to band together in a shared bond for a combined total of twenty-four hours a day in order to come up with some fresh ideas for the future.
  1. What a brilliant piece of ingenuity!
  2. A tuna fish was also included as a complimentary gift, which was a nice touch.
  3. Right away, I noticed a significant improvement in my condition.
  • In the end, even though my rehabilitation is not yet complete, the fact that I am not alone makes me feel a lot better in the long run.
  • THE MAN WITH THE CONTROL FREAK SHello.
  • We are the ones that have complete power over your lives.
  • We are the ones who make the decisions that have an impact on all of you.

Isn’t it fascinating to think that individuals in charge of your lives would have the audacity to inform you of their actions in this manner?You stupid will have to suffer.We’re aware of what you do and where you go at all times.

  1. In your opinion, what purpose do the cameras serve?
  2. And what about the global positioning satellites (GPS)?
  3. The Social Security numbers, what about them?
  4. You are a member of our family.
  5. And it is not possible to modify it.
  6. Nothing will change whether you sign petitions, picket lines, bring your lawsuits, cast your ballots, and send those idiotic letters to anyone you like; you will achieve nothing by doing so.

Because we have complete power over your life.And we have something special in store for you.Go back to your bed.The unequal treatment accorded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and those who believe in an invisible supreme being who resides in the sky on the other, is disheartening, if not downright depressing, for me.This is especially true given the fact that the latter belief applies to the entire Jesus-Messiah-Son-of-God fable.You may have noticed that UFO believers are frequently referred to as ″buffs″ in the media, a term that is intended to diminish and marginalize them by relegating them to the ranks of hobbyists and casual observers.

Somehow, they are made to appear as if they are complete moron’s and quaint dingbats for having the audacity to believe that, in an observable universe with trillions upon trillions of stars and, most likely, hundreds of billions of potentially habitable planets, some of those planet’s may have produced life-forms that are capable of doing things that we are not capable of doing.Those who believe in an everlasting, all-powerful being, a being that demands to be loved and cherished unconditionally and who punishes and rewards people according to his whims, on the other hand, are considered to be honorable, upright, and credible individuals.This is in spite of the enormous number of believers who are plainly extremists with narrow perspectives on life.Continues.The following is an excerpt from GEORGE CARLIN’s WHEN WILL JESUS BRING THE PORK CHOPS?

Comedy Concepts, Inc.owns the copyright to this work.With permission, I’ve included an excerpt.All intellectual property rights are retained.The publisher has granted permission for this excerpt to be copied or republished in its entirety without written permission from the author.

  1. Unless otherwise specified, excerpts from this website are offered purely for the personal use of users to this website by Dial-A-Book Inc.

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